Growing Pains

A few months ago I woke up early one morning and I realized that my oldest was in kindergarten, and my youngest could be in preschool this year. I realized that in three years, both of my kids will be in school full time! That meant that I might be able to get a full time job at the library where I currently work part time! 

I found myself on a college website (for the fifth time in the past 5 1/2 years) and realized that if I took two classes every semester for those next three years, I would have my bachelors degree in time to land myself that perfect full time job!

Before I knew it, I had all of my transcripts ready to transfer, registration paperwork filled out, FAFSA information ready...

THIS WAS HAPPENING!!!

In the next three months I talked with an academic adviser, registered for classes, got my work schedule changed so that I could fit in my classes, found a nanny to help during the hours I would be gone at school, started writing more to get myself back in the school mode, talked to people who had finished in my degree; pretty much everything I could think to do to prepare myself.

 I WAS TOTALLY READY!!

Well, two weeks ago I was printing out the new schedule to put on the fridge so my kids would be able to prepare for what it was going to be like. I colored in "Mom at work time" orange, the "kids at school" time blue and "nanny time" in purple. 

The purple squares took up most of the page. 

I tried taking deep breaths, reminding myself that a getting a college degree is one of those things that you will never regret doing.

I told myself that this was the best thing for me and my kids, that they would get used to the new schedule and they would learn important lessons about sacrifice for learning.

It didn't matter what I said though. I ended up bawling for the next hour and a half.

I had not once doubted my decision to go back to school.

I was less than three weeks away from my first day, and NOW I was having doubts!

We told the kids that mom needed help making a big decision. 

We asked them to help us pray for the right answer, and pray we did.

Well, after weeks of praying, several long discussions with my husband, and about ten gallons of tears, I finally made my decision last night.

I am putting my education on hold, yet again, so that I can be there for my kids.

I wanted to feel angry and upset. I wanted to shake my fist and yell into the heavens

 "Why would you dangle this amazing opportunity, and provide everything I need

to make this dream a reality, if you didn't want it for me?"

I didn't though. I felt light. I felt like I had made the right decision.

We decided that we would tell the kids for Christmas. 
I was excited to tell them that not only was I not going to be going to school, but I would be home even more because I had already had my work schedule changed.

This morning my 5 year old crawled into bed with me at 6 am and instead of the cranky, tired mom I have been lately, I was thrilled. We snuggled and talked and shared a really special moment.

Then my three year old woke up and was a REAL PAIN in the butt.

He was ornery and demanding, whiny and stubborn.

His attitude immediately caught on and before we knew it my daughter and I had both turned into little monsters.

One hour into my day and I hated myself, hated being a mom, hated how much I hated being a mom, and hated that I had just decided to put something so precious to me aside so that I could do this MORE!

Today, I do feel angry and upset. I do want to shake my fist at the heavens and say "Why?!"

But even though I want to spit and curse, I still don't feel right about going to school yet.

I still feel like this is what Heavenly Father wants me to do.

I wish it wasn't, but it just is.

So, I guess this is where I put my faith in my Heavenly Father.

I put my life in His hands and just PRAY that I don't feel like this every day.

Purpose, Potential, and za Peoples

I have been thinking a lot about purpose. I am slightly below average on functionality and slightly above average on intellect. Slightly. At least that is what they told me in high school. I'm starting have my doubts. I had to use spell check on the word intellect. I do have seizures. I think I am slightly below average on brain cells these days. I like to think that my true genius lies in emotional intelligence. It's really all I got going for me.

  Either way, I'm pretty average. For the most part I am living the life that my parents expected that I would. A little more in some places, a little less in others.  I of course had some visions of grandeur in my teenage years. Who doesn't right? Eventually we all have to find balance in the reality that our lives are what they are. I will never be a famous musician, never write a Pulitzer prize winning article, never visit the moon, and never win an academy award.
  Thank heavens! I'm a home body. I like the simple life. Those things would require too much energy.

I still struggle sometimes with the idea that I am missing my "purpose". I see people my age doing fabulous things in their lives. I feel like- wow, that person has done it! They FOUND IT! The mystery of their purpose is SOLVED!

The more I learn about people, read journals and histories of people who have already finished their time here on earth, the more I realize that nobody ever really finds their purpose. I have started looking at life in a different way. I think the best you can hope for is to make your life as comfortable as you can, do what you can to make it a little bit better, and find a way to survive the rest of it.

For some people this means marrying someone that makes you smile and feel special, having a couple of kids that you hopefully won't screw up too bad,  having a job that makes you feel like you are contributing to the world around you in a small way, and getting the thoughts that fill your head up ooze out onto a meaningless blog every now and again. (This is all hypothetical of course.)

For other people this means devoting their life to something they are passionate about, putting all of their energy into a cause, watching their lives contribute and better the thousands of lives around them.

I think the world views the latter of these two types of people as more valuable as the first.  I disagree. I ENTIRELY disagree.

Potential in a person is a lot like potential energy. I don't actually know a lot about potential energy. I'm basing all of this theory on what I can remember from my 7th grade science class. But from what I gather, some objects have a greater potential energy than others. This doesn't necessarily mean that the object with more potential energy is a better object.

 I think this is how it works with people. The point of life is not to have the GREATEST potential. The point of life is to find out what your potential energy is and to just do what you can to reach that.

I can appreciate a good story about someone was were told they had less potential than they actually had, and fulfilled their potential. They are inspiring. But, who is to say that that person is of more worth than the person whose potential was exactly what everyone thought it was. Is a life only of value if they exceed everyone's expectations? And what about those people who everyone expects a person's potential is far greater than it actually is? Are these people failures?

Wow. All this talk potential talk is starting to confuse me. What exactly IS potential? Who decides how much we have? Is potential like a solid box that once it's filled it's filled? That doesn't seem right. Or is it more like a uterus and it can stretch and grow to carry what it needs to? (Pardon the analogy.) I guess stomach might be the more appropriate and gender neutral body part. This is all metaphorical though, so anything goes really. Plus, the idea of my potential fitting in my uterus makes me smile.

Well, I'm a spiritual person, so of course I would go with the answer that the only person who truly knows our potential is God. It's our job to touch base with him and he can clue us in. But, in that regard, our potential is endless. I imagine our collective metaphorical spiritual uteri, or stomach if that makes you feel more comfortable, can get pretty giant!  But, I tend to think that has more to do with the afterlife than this life.

So, let's just focus on this life. Let's keep things bite size.

Anyways, this is all leading somewhere. I think that EVERY person who is even working towards their "potential" should be celebrated! I have decided that my purpose for the next couple of weeks or months or however long I feel like it- is to celebrate people! I want to celebrate people I look up to and admire. Some of them will be people you have heard of. Some of them will be people you probably will never meet. Some of them will be dead and some of them living. Some of them will have a physical uterus and some of them will have a metaphorical uterus. I can guarantee all of them will have a stomach of some sort.

So- get ready! Get pumped! The journey begins....sometime soon. I have to fulfill some other purposes in my life now; namely, putting physical food in my physical children's stomachs.