Cecily

I need a place to document all of the craziness that going through grief is. I have been posting it on facebook, but it feels too public. I am afraid of making people uncomfortable. It's stupid that I worry about these things. It's probably because I have been judgmental of people in the past. I hate that past Mary for being so naive. You are welcome to read it. You are welcome to share it. You are welcome to comment, but you are under no obligation. I am going to keep writing, even if nobody ever reads it. I can't stop writing. Maybe this is why God gave me a chance to go back to school. I've learned how to write what I need to. I've also learned that writing is what saves me. Words save me.

I have written the entire story in Cecily's journal. It took me over a week and cost me thousands of tears. I am rewriting it on a google doc, now that the shock of it has worn off. I feel a need to share it, and I will, gradually. As I feel ready. 

I've started writing poetry. It's free verse. It doesn't rhyme. A lot of it is CRAPPY. I haven't learned how to write poetry. But these words, as crappy as they are, have given me an outlet. They seem to be able to soak up part of what I am feeling, and that keeps me going.

So here is today's "poem." 

I guess I should first say that the title of my collection of poems is "The Seventy-One Stages of Grief"

It started as The Five Stages of Grief, but so many of the things I have been feeling don't seem to fit into on the "official" five stages of grief. I'm learning that grief is far more complicated than I ever thought it was, so I'm giving myself plenty of wiggle room. I'm sure I'll be able to identify a whole bunch of complicated emotions over the course of . . . well, the rest of my life. 

Nostalgically Despondent

Nov 26 2021

21 days 

It might seem like our lives have gone back

to the way it was before.

But we are forever altered. 

Scarred. Enlightened. Stretched.

There is no going back.

To My Little Bird

To My Little Bird

Thank you for

making it 

easier

to shed the burden of

wild fruit.

I'm Back!

It has been an incredibly long time since I have posted to this blog. I took a break to create a blog with my friend Jessica. We like to review books. It is also kind of dead now too though, but you can check it out if you want. abookaddictandhersupplier.blogspot.com

So, I am now a senior in my program at UVU and I am learning that keeping up a blog and a twitter account and a facebook page and all of that is kind of important if you ever want to get a job. Also, even if nobody ever reads my blog, if I make it a priority to write on here every so often, I may just keep writing after I graduate!

So, for this blog post, I am going to post some exciting news! One of my poems has been accepted for publication in an online magazine called Edify Fiction. Groovy 'eh? I'll post a link when the journal is published so that all of you, let's be honest, just me at this point, can read it. :)

Keep reading! Keep writing! Keep on keeping on!

Happiness Is...

THIS BOOK! 

Seriously though folks.
Most books about happiness just make me want to vomit.
Happiness is not a giant list of things that sound inspiring and fun, but really just make you hate yourself for not being more inspiring and fun.
Happiness REALLY IS peeling the protective sticker off a new gadget, the afterglow of finishing a novel, watching cat videos on the internet, and accidentally making a soap bubble while washing your hands!
And just in case the thought of it doesn't make you smile, there is a delightful illustration that is bound to.

Night

March 8 2016

Night.

The sun made its steady way across the sky again today. It climbed the giant hill across the mountain tops and towered above the world, the master of all things below. It has now, finally admitted defeat, and has let the tips of those dreaded mountains on the east swallow it whole. But the night is not merely the absence of that monstrous flame.  The timid moon has crept his way out the deepest dark and has graciously shown its shadowless light upon the timid beings of this earth. 

Growing Pains part 2

According to ancient legend, if you pee on a special stick and two red lines appear, you will give birth within roughly 9 months.

Five months after my last post (and very fittingly on Mother's Day), the special stick informed me that I could expect at least 3 mothers day cards every year.

Party on!

Baby #3 is now a month old. 

It turns out Heavenly Father thought an under-educated mother of 3 is more important than a bachelor's degree holding mother of 2 at this point in time.

I did a lot of growing. A LOT of growing. And there was plenty of pain. My stretch marks now have stretch marks, which isn't the worst thing ever. My kids think "see how far you can stick your finger in the belly button hole" is one of the funnest games. 

We were given bodies on this earth to help us achieve joy. 

I am able to provide knuckle deep joy on a daily basis.

I honestly could say that I am happier now than I was over a year ago when I wrote that last post.

My fun and frustrating toddlers have now become fun and frustrating little kids. They have new reasons to make me want to pull out my hair, but even more reasons to smile and laugh.

I still spend a fair amount of time wondering why God gave women uteri and commanded them to fill them up with babies just to empty them out again and try to manage life with whatever comes out of them.

But, now I get to wonder that while I snuggle a darling little newborn, which makes it all seem worth it.

School is still there. It will still be there in five or twenty years.

My faith pulled me through. I am overjoyed to know that Heavenly Father had a plan for me  and he still does. I listened to the spirit, and here I am, right where he wants me. 

Growing Pains

A few months ago I woke up early one morning and I realized that my oldest was in kindergarten, and my youngest could be in preschool this year. I realized that in three years, both of my kids will be in school full time! That meant that I might be able to get a full time job at the library where I currently work part time! 

I found myself on a college website (for the fifth time in the past 5 1/2 years) and realized that if I took two classes every semester for those next three years, I would have my bachelors degree in time to land myself that perfect full time job!

Before I knew it, I had all of my transcripts ready to transfer, registration paperwork filled out, FAFSA information ready...

THIS WAS HAPPENING!!!

In the next three months I talked with an academic adviser, registered for classes, got my work schedule changed so that I could fit in my classes, found a nanny to help during the hours I would be gone at school, started writing more to get myself back in the school mode, talked to people who had finished in my degree; pretty much everything I could think to do to prepare myself.

 I WAS TOTALLY READY!!

Well, two weeks ago I was printing out the new schedule to put on the fridge so my kids would be able to prepare for what it was going to be like. I colored in "Mom at work time" orange, the "kids at school" time blue and "nanny time" in purple. 

The purple squares took up most of the page. 

I tried taking deep breaths, reminding myself that a getting a college degree is one of those things that you will never regret doing.

I told myself that this was the best thing for me and my kids, that they would get used to the new schedule and they would learn important lessons about sacrifice for learning.

It didn't matter what I said though. I ended up bawling for the next hour and a half.

I had not once doubted my decision to go back to school.

I was less than three weeks away from my first day, and NOW I was having doubts!

We told the kids that mom needed help making a big decision. 

We asked them to help us pray for the right answer, and pray we did.

Well, after weeks of praying, several long discussions with my husband, and about ten gallons of tears, I finally made my decision last night.

I am putting my education on hold, yet again, so that I can be there for my kids.

I wanted to feel angry and upset. I wanted to shake my fist and yell into the heavens

 "Why would you dangle this amazing opportunity, and provide everything I need

to make this dream a reality, if you didn't want it for me?"

I didn't though. I felt light. I felt like I had made the right decision.

We decided that we would tell the kids for Christmas. 
I was excited to tell them that not only was I not going to be going to school, but I would be home even more because I had already had my work schedule changed.

This morning my 5 year old crawled into bed with me at 6 am and instead of the cranky, tired mom I have been lately, I was thrilled. We snuggled and talked and shared a really special moment.

Then my three year old woke up and was a REAL PAIN in the butt.

He was ornery and demanding, whiny and stubborn.

His attitude immediately caught on and before we knew it my daughter and I had both turned into little monsters.

One hour into my day and I hated myself, hated being a mom, hated how much I hated being a mom, and hated that I had just decided to put something so precious to me aside so that I could do this MORE!

Today, I do feel angry and upset. I do want to shake my fist at the heavens and say "Why?!"

But even though I want to spit and curse, I still don't feel right about going to school yet.

I still feel like this is what Heavenly Father wants me to do.

I wish it wasn't, but it just is.

So, I guess this is where I put my faith in my Heavenly Father.

I put my life in His hands and just PRAY that I don't feel like this every day.