Cecily

I need a place to document all of the craziness that going through grief is. I have been posting it on facebook, but it feels too public. I am afraid of making people uncomfortable. It's stupid that I worry about these things. It's probably because I have been judgmental of people in the past. I hate that past Mary for being so naive. You are welcome to read it. You are welcome to share it. You are welcome to comment, but you are under no obligation. I am going to keep writing, even if nobody ever reads it. I can't stop writing. Maybe this is why God gave me a chance to go back to school. I've learned how to write what I need to. I've also learned that writing is what saves me. Words save me.

I have written the entire story in Cecily's journal. It took me over a week and cost me thousands of tears. I am rewriting it on a google doc, now that the shock of it has worn off. I feel a need to share it, and I will, gradually. As I feel ready. 

I've started writing poetry. It's free verse. It doesn't rhyme. A lot of it is CRAPPY. I haven't learned how to write poetry. But these words, as crappy as they are, have given me an outlet. They seem to be able to soak up part of what I am feeling, and that keeps me going.

So here is today's "poem." 

I guess I should first say that the title of my collection of poems is "The Seventy-One Stages of Grief"

It started as The Five Stages of Grief, but so many of the things I have been feeling don't seem to fit into on the "official" five stages of grief. I'm learning that grief is far more complicated than I ever thought it was, so I'm giving myself plenty of wiggle room. I'm sure I'll be able to identify a whole bunch of complicated emotions over the course of . . . well, the rest of my life. 

Nostalgically Despondent

Nov 26 2021

21 days 

It might seem like our lives have gone back

to the way it was before.

But we are forever altered. 

Scarred. Enlightened. Stretched.

There is no going back.

To My Little Bird

To My Little Bird

Thank you for

making it 

easier

to shed the burden of

wild fruit.

I'm Back!

It has been an incredibly long time since I have posted to this blog. I took a break to create a blog with my friend Jessica. We like to review books. It is also kind of dead now too though, but you can check it out if you want. abookaddictandhersupplier.blogspot.com

So, I am now a senior in my program at UVU and I am learning that keeping up a blog and a twitter account and a facebook page and all of that is kind of important if you ever want to get a job. Also, even if nobody ever reads my blog, if I make it a priority to write on here every so often, I may just keep writing after I graduate!

So, for this blog post, I am going to post some exciting news! One of my poems has been accepted for publication in an online magazine called Edify Fiction. Groovy 'eh? I'll post a link when the journal is published so that all of you, let's be honest, just me at this point, can read it. :)

Keep reading! Keep writing! Keep on keeping on!

Happiness Is...

THIS BOOK! 

Seriously though folks.
Most books about happiness just make me want to vomit.
Happiness is not a giant list of things that sound inspiring and fun, but really just make you hate yourself for not being more inspiring and fun.
Happiness REALLY IS peeling the protective sticker off a new gadget, the afterglow of finishing a novel, watching cat videos on the internet, and accidentally making a soap bubble while washing your hands!
And just in case the thought of it doesn't make you smile, there is a delightful illustration that is bound to.

Night

March 8 2016

Night.

The sun made its steady way across the sky again today. It climbed the giant hill across the mountain tops and towered above the world, the master of all things below. It has now, finally admitted defeat, and has let the tips of those dreaded mountains on the east swallow it whole. But the night is not merely the absence of that monstrous flame.  The timid moon has crept his way out the deepest dark and has graciously shown its shadowless light upon the timid beings of this earth. 

Growing Pains part 2

According to ancient legend, if you pee on a special stick and two red lines appear, you will give birth within roughly 9 months.

Five months after my last post (and very fittingly on Mother's Day), the special stick informed me that I could expect at least 3 mothers day cards every year.

Party on!

Baby #3 is now a month old. 

It turns out Heavenly Father thought an under-educated mother of 3 is more important than a bachelor's degree holding mother of 2 at this point in time.

I did a lot of growing. A LOT of growing. And there was plenty of pain. My stretch marks now have stretch marks, which isn't the worst thing ever. My kids think "see how far you can stick your finger in the belly button hole" is one of the funnest games. 

We were given bodies on this earth to help us achieve joy. 

I am able to provide knuckle deep joy on a daily basis.

I honestly could say that I am happier now than I was over a year ago when I wrote that last post.

My fun and frustrating toddlers have now become fun and frustrating little kids. They have new reasons to make me want to pull out my hair, but even more reasons to smile and laugh.

I still spend a fair amount of time wondering why God gave women uteri and commanded them to fill them up with babies just to empty them out again and try to manage life with whatever comes out of them.

But, now I get to wonder that while I snuggle a darling little newborn, which makes it all seem worth it.

School is still there. It will still be there in five or twenty years.

My faith pulled me through. I am overjoyed to know that Heavenly Father had a plan for me  and he still does. I listened to the spirit, and here I am, right where he wants me. 

Growing Pains

A few months ago I woke up early one morning and I realized that my oldest was in kindergarten, and my youngest could be in preschool this year. I realized that in three years, both of my kids will be in school full time! That meant that I might be able to get a full time job at the library where I currently work part time! 

I found myself on a college website (for the fifth time in the past 5 1/2 years) and realized that if I took two classes every semester for those next three years, I would have my bachelors degree in time to land myself that perfect full time job!

Before I knew it, I had all of my transcripts ready to transfer, registration paperwork filled out, FAFSA information ready...

THIS WAS HAPPENING!!!

In the next three months I talked with an academic adviser, registered for classes, got my work schedule changed so that I could fit in my classes, found a nanny to help during the hours I would be gone at school, started writing more to get myself back in the school mode, talked to people who had finished in my degree; pretty much everything I could think to do to prepare myself.

 I WAS TOTALLY READY!!

Well, two weeks ago I was printing out the new schedule to put on the fridge so my kids would be able to prepare for what it was going to be like. I colored in "Mom at work time" orange, the "kids at school" time blue and "nanny time" in purple. 

The purple squares took up most of the page. 

I tried taking deep breaths, reminding myself that a getting a college degree is one of those things that you will never regret doing.

I told myself that this was the best thing for me and my kids, that they would get used to the new schedule and they would learn important lessons about sacrifice for learning.

It didn't matter what I said though. I ended up bawling for the next hour and a half.

I had not once doubted my decision to go back to school.

I was less than three weeks away from my first day, and NOW I was having doubts!

We told the kids that mom needed help making a big decision. 

We asked them to help us pray for the right answer, and pray we did.

Well, after weeks of praying, several long discussions with my husband, and about ten gallons of tears, I finally made my decision last night.

I am putting my education on hold, yet again, so that I can be there for my kids.

I wanted to feel angry and upset. I wanted to shake my fist and yell into the heavens

 "Why would you dangle this amazing opportunity, and provide everything I need

to make this dream a reality, if you didn't want it for me?"

I didn't though. I felt light. I felt like I had made the right decision.

We decided that we would tell the kids for Christmas. 
I was excited to tell them that not only was I not going to be going to school, but I would be home even more because I had already had my work schedule changed.

This morning my 5 year old crawled into bed with me at 6 am and instead of the cranky, tired mom I have been lately, I was thrilled. We snuggled and talked and shared a really special moment.

Then my three year old woke up and was a REAL PAIN in the butt.

He was ornery and demanding, whiny and stubborn.

His attitude immediately caught on and before we knew it my daughter and I had both turned into little monsters.

One hour into my day and I hated myself, hated being a mom, hated how much I hated being a mom, and hated that I had just decided to put something so precious to me aside so that I could do this MORE!

Today, I do feel angry and upset. I do want to shake my fist at the heavens and say "Why?!"

But even though I want to spit and curse, I still don't feel right about going to school yet.

I still feel like this is what Heavenly Father wants me to do.

I wish it wasn't, but it just is.

So, I guess this is where I put my faith in my Heavenly Father.

I put my life in His hands and just PRAY that I don't feel like this every day.

Purpose, Potential, and za Peoples

I have been thinking a lot about purpose. I am slightly below average on functionality and slightly above average on intellect. Slightly. At least that is what they told me in high school. I'm starting have my doubts. I had to use spell check on the word intellect. I do have seizures. I think I am slightly below average on brain cells these days. I like to think that my true genius lies in emotional intelligence. It's really all I got going for me.

  Either way, I'm pretty average. For the most part I am living the life that my parents expected that I would. A little more in some places, a little less in others.  I of course had some visions of grandeur in my teenage years. Who doesn't right? Eventually we all have to find balance in the reality that our lives are what they are. I will never be a famous musician, never write a Pulitzer prize winning article, never visit the moon, and never win an academy award.
  Thank heavens! I'm a home body. I like the simple life. Those things would require too much energy.

I still struggle sometimes with the idea that I am missing my "purpose". I see people my age doing fabulous things in their lives. I feel like- wow, that person has done it! They FOUND IT! The mystery of their purpose is SOLVED!

The more I learn about people, read journals and histories of people who have already finished their time here on earth, the more I realize that nobody ever really finds their purpose. I have started looking at life in a different way. I think the best you can hope for is to make your life as comfortable as you can, do what you can to make it a little bit better, and find a way to survive the rest of it.

For some people this means marrying someone that makes you smile and feel special, having a couple of kids that you hopefully won't screw up too bad,  having a job that makes you feel like you are contributing to the world around you in a small way, and getting the thoughts that fill your head up ooze out onto a meaningless blog every now and again. (This is all hypothetical of course.)

For other people this means devoting their life to something they are passionate about, putting all of their energy into a cause, watching their lives contribute and better the thousands of lives around them.

I think the world views the latter of these two types of people as more valuable as the first.  I disagree. I ENTIRELY disagree.

Potential in a person is a lot like potential energy. I don't actually know a lot about potential energy. I'm basing all of this theory on what I can remember from my 7th grade science class. But from what I gather, some objects have a greater potential energy than others. This doesn't necessarily mean that the object with more potential energy is a better object.

 I think this is how it works with people. The point of life is not to have the GREATEST potential. The point of life is to find out what your potential energy is and to just do what you can to reach that.

I can appreciate a good story about someone was were told they had less potential than they actually had, and fulfilled their potential. They are inspiring. But, who is to say that that person is of more worth than the person whose potential was exactly what everyone thought it was. Is a life only of value if they exceed everyone's expectations? And what about those people who everyone expects a person's potential is far greater than it actually is? Are these people failures?

Wow. All this talk potential talk is starting to confuse me. What exactly IS potential? Who decides how much we have? Is potential like a solid box that once it's filled it's filled? That doesn't seem right. Or is it more like a uterus and it can stretch and grow to carry what it needs to? (Pardon the analogy.) I guess stomach might be the more appropriate and gender neutral body part. This is all metaphorical though, so anything goes really. Plus, the idea of my potential fitting in my uterus makes me smile.

Well, I'm a spiritual person, so of course I would go with the answer that the only person who truly knows our potential is God. It's our job to touch base with him and he can clue us in. But, in that regard, our potential is endless. I imagine our collective metaphorical spiritual uteri, or stomach if that makes you feel more comfortable, can get pretty giant!  But, I tend to think that has more to do with the afterlife than this life.

So, let's just focus on this life. Let's keep things bite size.

Anyways, this is all leading somewhere. I think that EVERY person who is even working towards their "potential" should be celebrated! I have decided that my purpose for the next couple of weeks or months or however long I feel like it- is to celebrate people! I want to celebrate people I look up to and admire. Some of them will be people you have heard of. Some of them will be people you probably will never meet. Some of them will be dead and some of them living. Some of them will have a physical uterus and some of them will have a metaphorical uterus. I can guarantee all of them will have a stomach of some sort.

So- get ready! Get pumped! The journey begins....sometime soon. I have to fulfill some other purposes in my life now; namely, putting physical food in my physical children's stomachs.

Why depression is confusing.

Things you might relate to if you have depression and anxiety.

1. Just leave me the HECK alone and stop treating me like a child!! Well, at least until I am feeling down and then I probably am going to need your immediate attention for an extended period of time. I also wouldn't mind if you would tuck me in and treat me like a parent would their sick baby.

2. I promise I will not flake on you if the thing you want from me is in the next five minutes.

3. I just had the most life altering idea! Now I am going to take a nap and hope I forget it so that I can once again be content with the life I can mostly manage.

4. You can tell me that you are sorry I have depression, but it might help me more if you laughed with me at the ridiculousness of this horrific situation. The trick is to pretend we're all on a sit-com.

Mindfulness

I'm breathing deeply. My fingers are on the keys of our new keyboard. The buttons are flatter on this one. The click sounds different. I kind of like the feel. It isn't quite as good or easy I mean, to keep your fingers on the keys. My fingers slide more than I would like. There is music playing softly in the background . The computer is humming. That sound is comforting to me for some reason. It reminds me of quiet late nights. Everything is asleep, but the computer is still working. I took the fleece layer out of my winter coat today. It kind of makes that cold rustle sound every time my leg bounces. It sure feels good to breathe. I  can't believe how empty my head feels. It feels like I have just drunk something really cold and clear- but into my head instead of my belly.

To Whom It May Concern

Dear random woman downtown wearing this today:

You have very nice legs. I'm sure you get some great comments on those fine legs from

 this

 

or this

or maybe even this.

I dunno.

However,

 I just wanted to let you know that the guy who smelled like 

this

 

and asked you for some of

 this

 

so that he could buy some of 

this...

watched you walk away- making 

THIS face.

 

He then turned to us and said that he wouldn't mind getting 

some of this from you.

This concerns me. I hope it concerns you too.

I'm thinking you may want to consider wearing

this

 the next time you are headed downtown.

I'm afraid a guy like that will end up offering
 YOU
some of

 with entirely different things in mind.

Good luck!

Little things

1. Cracked lips from too much smiling.
2. Friends so close they forget other
people are around.
3. Totally unapologetic and appreciated awkwardness.
4. Simplicity.
5. Childlike naivety.

How fortuitous.

Sweet. China is on my side.

Up, but not out is down.

I am up, but I'm not out of bed

Those things that you said

Have been running around in my head

I'm not sure

Why this record is playing anymore

Won't you try, for the peace of my soul

Just recall

that sweet kiss that you stole

Buried deep in your chest

 is that mournful request 

To give it all up and to smile

Time goes on on the outside

But today I'm trapped indoors.

The sun still shines on my shoulder

But it freezes and stops

 building ice on the clocks

And I guess I'm just down today